Self Care and Keeping Organized: Part III of the Work/Life/Self Series Guest Post

In a three part interview I'm answering questions from Sarah at Next Page, New Chapter on topics ranging from career to homeschool and self care. 

Sarah and I worked for the same company in my pre-baby DC days and I'm so happy we've stayed connected over the years through our writing. She's a mama to one fiery red-head and balances a full-time job (and insane commute) with all her other pursuits. Like the rest of us she's curious how other mothers navigate work and motherhood.

Today in Part III of the Work/Life/Self series guest post I'm talking about self care and home organization. 

You can jump to the full interview HERE. Just Joining Us? Catch up on Part I and Part II. 

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S: How do you manage to keep yourself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy? Do you have any daily or weekly rituals?

J: I thought for a long time that self care meant going to the dentist, getting my haircut—stuff I needed to do to take care of myself, right? I have since reframed self care as an opportunity to refuel, it's the stuff in life that brings joy and pleasure: time spent in nature, time alone to read and write and dream and plan and pursue my projects, quality time spent in deep conversations with my husband and girlfriends, good food, comfortable underwear and cozy pajamas!

I have time built into every week that I know is mine to use for these activities. Andy works late on Mondays so those evenings are always very quiet and relaxing after the kids are in bed. I also have six hours on Sundays that I usually devote to an outdoor hike and time spent writing. I workout in the early mornings or late evenings 5 days a week. This all sounds like a lot but I feel calmer and more energized to be the mom that my kids deserve when I prioritize taking care of myself.

As an aside, adequate sleep cannot be underestimated! I know it’s hard to find when the kids are young, and choosing sleep over getting things done can be tough at the end of the day when it seems there aren’t enough hours to attend to all the things that pull our attention but, if there is one simple place to start this is it! The days are exponentially more difficult when I’m tired.

It’s been an iterative process for me to identify what I need, communicate those desires to my husband, and grow increasingly willing to let go when it comes to the kids while I’m away. Self care was not part of my vocabulary for the first three years of motherhood, at least.

As for rituals, we have this little stovetop pressure steamer that froths up a dreamy foam and every morning I make a latte for myself with vanilla extract and a dash of ground cloves. I also really love my makeup brand right now and it has re-inspired my morning routine. Writing on Sundays at different coffee shops that I enjoy starts my week off right and grounds my energy.

(Read more...)

Do you have special rituals that keep you sane? Any tips to share for keeping yourself and your home organized?

Updating our Family Mission Statement

You may remember the Mission Statement, Family Rules, and Family Needs documents that I developed leading in to 2012. I had two babies under two years old so you can imagine where we were as parents and people trying to find balance and a sense of organization! These exercises were a great starting place and that mission statement has become a working definition for us that I continue to refine.

A copy of the latest version of our Family Mission, now renamed our Sears Family Purpose, hangs on our dining room wall and has been updated many times since it was first drafted:

Defining Success and Looking Ahead to the New Year 2015

There are many "New Years" for me throughout the calendar year.

Like a blank piece of paper new beginnings are delightful, and I thrive where I have space to dream up all the possibilities. Any place in time where I can envision the next 365 days unfurled at my feet like an unworn path is a promising point to begin.

I can rely on the turn of the seasons, my birthday, the boys birthdates, and of course January first to stir up an invitation for reflection, but any time is a good time if I'm in need of a fresh start.

I chip along at making what's good better, and righting our little family ship back on course in what feels like almost constant iteration, and so the official start of a new year and its accompanying goal setting rituals feels a little ordinary but no less fulfilling.

Last year's transition from Working Mama to Not Working Mama (and a homeschooling one at that), left me feeling a sense of loss for my professional self and a nagging lack of purpose. Despite feeling more relaxed and more present than ever before.

I was so content and yet, I wasn't.

I needed to find my focus so I enrolled in a workshop created by Jen Gresham at Every Day Bright and dug deep for a couple months to articulate what meaningful success looks like for me at this point in my life. Ambitious, educated, desiring adventure and connection and, most of all, striving to be a good mother to my two boys, a good friend and partner to my husband.

I'm sharing my definition of success here because it provides context for my intentions in the upcoming year, but also because it was a transformative exercise that gave the immediate payoff of feeling more peaceful about the decisions we've made for my career and the boys' education and our overall lifestyle. It also helped me to see very specifically how my writing can serve me in a professional capacity, even on a small scale, and without aspiration—or caveat—for getting paid.

I know I am not alone in having to work at finding a sense of purpose in the midst of the huge responsibility and joy and satisfaction that comes with mothering while also desiring to integrate the esteem that professional work can offer, maybe my words will resonate with something that you want for yourself:

Success is a comfortable and low stress lifestyle that allows me first to take care of myself, and then to be the kind of mother my kids deserve and need. To enjoy my mothering experience day-to-day is critical to my perception of short term success and a much-needed affirmation of my personal investment to our collective home-life. To nurture my marriage, familial relationships, and core friendships with intention and care, as well as with grace and generosity. To embody the BoldHeart life** in my decision making, and through our investments of time and money. My writing will complement and extend my desire to live life, and forge meaningful connection. My writing will develop and extend my voice and perspective in a way that penetrates the world outside my home. My writing will connect me to the experiences of others and vice versa. My published writing will provide the personal esteem that I crave and a professional platform for self expression and recognition.

**To be inspired; ask questions; take risks; pay attention to and nurture what I really care about; accept challenge; be a relentless learner: inquisitive, curious, and open to possibility; embrace imperfection; ground myself in nature; rely on creative and resourceful problem solving; seek personal truth and authenticity; stay engaged; listen and act on my own intuition.

________________

Now I'm really showing my crazy side for self awareness and personal growth but lets take a quick step back...

In 2008 I began reading Style Statement: live by your own design, but the workbook was lengthy and Roscoe was born shortly after, so discovering my style statement at that point in time just wasn't compelling.  Eventually though I made my way back to the book and in 2012 I coined the term BoldHeart and began to apply it in my every day life.  

Then, in late 2013—after reading another book by Danielle LaPorte called The Desire Map, a guide to creating goals with soul—I identified a handful of core desires that I wanted fulfilled on a daily basis: 

Nurtured.

Inspired.

Connected.

Peaceful.

Purposeful.

I refer to them often as overarching themes to guide my priorities.

________________

OK back to 2015! Before I share a few of my goals for the upcoming year, I'll tell you a little about what is working for us right now:

• After nearly 6 years I've finally learned how to take care of my mother self; I know what I need, I know how to ask for it, and how to prioritize self care. 
• I have a deep sense of purpose in my marriage and in my relationship with the boys. 
• Date nights have become a regular thing around here, and our collaborative investment in our individual and shared projects is at an all time high. We're keyed into and contributing to what matters to the other, and it hasn't always been that way. 
• Our family priorities and our investments of time and money are well aligned, and our routines are working pretty well for us. 
• We look forward to designing and building our house this year (if all timing works out!), to celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary, and to squeezing in some so-far-unplanned family travel where we can. 

For the next season of life, be it the first few months of 2015, or until I get the urge to reflect and revise again, here are my opportunities to improve: 

Nurtured: In 2015 I will continue my slow trek back to my pre-Merritt weight (oy!), and we will to continue to reduce our consumption of plastic as well as find greener alternatives to our favorite cosmetic and sundry brands. I look forward to applying a more significant and tangible approach to seasonal living. (I'm one week into the HomeSpun Seasonal Living workbook, if anyone else is interested.) 

Inspired: I plan to take a few local cooking and writing classes this year, and to attend the James River Writers Conference in October, and the VAHomeschoolers conference in March. I will also continue to improve my PBH mentoring skills and approach my role with even greater intention so that I can help the boys to make their ideas happen, achieve their personal goals, and develop as learners.  

Connected: I will continue to build relationships and community for myself around homeschooling and writing. Andy and I both want to invest a little more into our couples friendships, so we hope to add into our regular date night rotation some double- and family-dates with a few folks that we really want to get to know better. DIS-connecting from aspects of social media and simplifying the ways that I access information.

Peaceful: I will continue to work on modeling healthy ways to manage negative emotion and resolve conflict, as well as facilitate and support Roscoe and Merritt's sibling relationship. 

Purposeful: I'm going to write more! And work on making those latter aspects of my success definition fall into place. My first 5.5 years as a mother have been a whirlwind, but I have high hopes that 2015 will be the year that I really settle into and enjoy where we are in life and the choices that we’ve made to get here. 

Bringing into Focus What Matters Most

The end of Summer felt a lot less peaceful than any of us would have liked and so by late August I was restless (and hopeful) for a new season to begin and a new rhythm to take hold.

One especially chaotic weekday morning I declared a family brainstorm to encourage the kids to participate in defining ideals for our shared home life. I wrote enthusiastically, my words filling the room as the boys colored furiously, big and small, to fill in all the white space.

The themes that emerged included: Peace and Quiet, Sleep, Love, Respect, Less Screen Time, Special Time, Being Kind, Responsibilities, Daily Routines, and Meal Time.

Later I identified some actions we could take to achieve our intentions. I wrote them out on colored cardstock and then over the course of a few days sat down with Roscoe, in particular, to discuss the details. How can we show each other that we love one another? What are some ways that we can be respectful to others? How can we say thank you with our actions, and how can we show our appreciation to our friends or family?

I've learned so much from Brene Brown over the years, and I recently listened to her short audio book Imperfect Parenting. One of the things that resonated with me is that family should serve to meet our primary need for belonging. No one should have to hustle (or feel like they need to) in order to be loved and respected in their own space. Our family is our home. We each bring ourselves to the table, and we are enough.

I added Belonging to our list of major themes because it is at the heart of what I want for all of us, and the triad was complete.

As if I needed an excuse to take out the kids' water paints and brushes, I enjoyed a little late night creativity and combined the brainstorm, our former mission statement (that has since been revised), and a few key phrases I've been carrying with me to create what has become our family's quick reference guide to what matters most. It serves as a guidepost for me and Andy as we strive to create an environment that reflects these ideals, and as a reinforcement tool for all of us.

The Quick Reference Guide for home life

When home life is overwhelming, how do you find calm and clarity? What is your process for bringing into focus what matters most?

A post on cleaning rotations

We've been in our new house for almost 6 months now.  Already.

Cleaning has never made it very high on my list of to-dos, and it is my belief that there are plenty more important and enjoyable ways to spend my time and energy. Still, in a house as small (and old) as the one we currently live in, the messes just seem messier and lately we've been feeling that we'll never be able to keep ahead of the floor crumbs, and piles of dishes. The wood floors in the dining room see the most abuse (thanks to two fickle eaters) and the daily sweeping and scrubbing required is unreal at times.

I have a higher tolerance than Andy for general messes but even I have a limit.  We had a cleaning plan in place at our old house, and I had written an updated one a few months ago for our new place but never committed to implementing it. Feeling a little overwhelmed and in need of a restart, I hired a cleaning service to usher our home into Spring.

It was well worth the money and if I cared more, I might hire someone to come on a regular basis.

Instead I printed off the cleaning schedule that I made a while back and put a copy in my kitchen folio for easy reference.

I learned this system from Tsh at Steady Mom, who has blogged about the two different methods of cleaning just once a month, and cleaning rotations (completing one chore a day so that over the course of a month everything gets clean).

When it comes to chores, I favor taking one small step every day. To begin, I considered every room in the house and made a list of the essential elements to be cleaned on a regular basis.  Then I figured out how frequently each chore needed to be completed in order to keep the house in a "clean-enough-for-me" state.

Next, I divvied up all the items so that the heavy stuff was well distributed across the four weeks (I don't want to clean the stove, the microwave, and the fridge in the same week!), and so that the schedule made sense (if a chore needs to be done twice a month, I schedule it in complimentary weeks 1 and 3, not 3 and 4).

There are some chores that we do on an as needed basis, like sweeping the wood floors, which we left off the list altogether. We usually sweep more than once a day, and I can't wait for the chore list to tell me it's time. When there are crumbs and table food underfoot, it's time to sweep!

Also, I think it's nice if each week's list can be kept to 5 items so that the weekend is chore-less, but for now our chore rotation looks like this:

Week One:
Wash floors in dining room
Vacuum living room area rug and kid's carpet
Bathroom mirrors and glass in front and back doors
Stove top
Kid laundry
Kitchen countertops and appliances
Bed sheets

Week Two:
Wash floors in dining room
Vacuum living room area rug and kid's carpet
Bathroom sinks and floors
Stove top
Kid laundry
Microwave
Organize the kid's rooms

Week Three:
Wash floors in dining room
Vacuum living room area rug and kid's carpet
Bathroom mirrors and glass in front and back doors
Stove top
Kid laundry
Fridge surfaces
Bed sheets

Week Four:
Wash floors in dining room
Vacuum living room area rug and kid's carpet
Bathroom sinks and floors
Stove top
Kid laundry
Microwave
Wipe down furniture surfaces

Andy's responsible for changing the cat litter every week, and for washing the dishes every night.  Once a month he scrubs the tubs--or at least that is how this whole rotation thing is supposed to work!

I really need to be better about cleaning as I go, but that's a goal for another day!

How do you keep your house clean? Do you have a routine that works?

The 9 Basic Needs

In the same spirit as our Family Mission Statement and Family Rules, I want to share an exercise that we completed to redefine our basic needs.

Perhaps like many of you on the journey to your best life I've been striving to "simplify". To  do away with the clutter that threatens clarity and that steals my time and energy.  Whether the clutter is literal stuff filling up the space that we live in and work, empty or superficial relationships, processed and factory farmed foods, or busy routines that leave us exhausted and wanting. We aim to experience more of the good stuff in life and pursue as priorities only that which brings more joy and meaning to every day. 

One step to gaining clarity is to distinguish our needs from our wants. When asked to define my basic needs, I had only ever considered the literal basics of food, shelter, and water, which wasn't very inspiring. Of course we need those, and we have them. So what now?

Andrea from Frugally Sustainable wrote a blog post Redefining our Wants Versus our Needs as part of the 23 Day Frugal Living Challenge series that she created. In the post she paraphrases Donella Meadows from her book Beyond the Limits, and shares examples of how we might reframe what we really need.

• You don’t need a bigger house or car, you need respect.
• You don’t need the newest cosmetics, you need to feel attractive.
• You don’t need a closet full of clothes, your need variety and beauty.
• You don’t need electronics (i.e. TV’s, gaming systems, stuff with apple logos, etc.), you need something worthwhile to do with your life.
• You don't need material things, you need identity, community, challenge, acknowledgement, love, and joy.

She goes on to ask, Could it be that our longing to feel satisfied is leading us to all the wrong places? Through all of time and in all cultures these needs are universal:

food 

clean water

shelter from the elements

intimate relationships

participation in a community

recreation/leisure

the ability to create

insight into self

freedom

I considered these nine basic human needs and wondered how the list might translate to my own life.  What would it look like for Andy?

We spent some time expanding each category to encompass our values and interests. I focused especially on the Intimate Relationships category and defined in detail, by name, the individuals that I want to comprise my tribe. I omitted the full list here, but paring down my social connections was necessary and the result is that the small amount of time that I have to share with others is directed at those relationships that I really care to invest in.

Here it is, our version of the 9 basic needs (my content is above the line, Andy's below):

Simple, right?  Obvious, maybe. What I love about our list though, is that the 9 basic human needs serve as a compass when we're given an opportunity to make an investment of time or money. These items we identified are what bring authentic happiness to our lives. These are the elements that are truly worth spending our money on.  It helps us to know how best to allocate our time.

And it really does work. How would you redefine your 9 Basic Needs?

Family Mission Statement

I haven't shared my extensive list of New Year to-do's for 2012, but one of my favorite items so far has been to complete a series of exploratory writing exercises from which we have developed our Family Rules, Family Needs (I'll share more on this in another post), and Family Mission Statement. 

Whether you seek daily clarity or long-range guidance, a mission statement is such a great place to start.

To begin, I pulled content from our Family Values and Family Needs documents, and also took inspiration from Simple Mom who has a really helpful post on the how-to's of developing a family mission statement. 

To reflect on who we are collectively and as individuals, what our dreams are made of, where our priorities lie, and to define what we believe is our family's purpose--to each other and in the greater context of what we believe is the purpose of life--what we value, and how we aspire to live, brings tremendous insight to my responsibility of guiding our family into the future.  

  

Our mission statement unites the four of us and declares our intention to be true to ourselves as we move through life together. 

I love that our mission statement applies as much now to our young family of four, as it might ten years down the road to our future family of six (or more!). Timeless. Yet we are at liberty to refine it as we grow and change. 

Have you developed a mission statement for your family?

UPDATE: This document has been refined and revised over the years, for the newest version please click here. 

Family Rules

Establishing Family Rules seems to be a popular exercise right now.  I liked the idea of thoughtfully crafting and displaying a set of phrases that capture the essence of our philosophy.

After taking a look at many versions (and borrowing from them some phrases that I really liked), I spent some time one morning to develop my ideas--it may be a work in progress, although what I came up with really resonates. It was a meaningful exercise for the start of 2012.

Perhaps our list will inspire you to think about (and even write down)  the values and ideals that are paramount to the way that you live your life and for which you aspire your children to live theirs.